And then my birthday. So over the years, I've done different things to like try to break the spell. And it's like I'm so excited about my birthday all year, and then the day of, I kind of just want it to be over. Like, I'm constantly, before it was like I was aware of the people that weren't sharing happy birthday to me on Facebook, if people didn't text me or depending on the day they text me, or the time of the day, if they forget, then I'm holding a grudge. I literally used to unfriend people when I was in college that didn't wish me a happy birthday when Facebook was a lot more active part of our lives. And maybe three years ago, I realized that one of the shifts, one of the reasons why the season is difficult for me is because I started going to school in the U.S. Kindergarten was the first year that I went to school. And because I went to school in New York and New Jersey for like the first pre-teen part of my life, after age five, I started school late. So when I was consistently changing schools, I went to 10 schools between kindergarten and eighth grade. I never had enough friendships, enough community to have like a proper birthday party. So all of my celebrations were always just with family. I didn't have friends yet. And typically because I would move schools, then I couldn't invite people from the previous year. And I didn't know where I was gonna be. So a few years ago, I found out that that was a culprit. I was like, okay, yeah, like that makes sense. I'm always being first, you know, new kid in September, don't have any friends, and birthday comes around, and I don't get the same celebrations as everyone else. Okay, okay, I can see that. But then when I sent this to my friend today, I flashed back to a memory I had that my mom, she shared this with me about three years ago, two, three or four years ago. And it was that my parents had gotten divorced on a trial basis because they were gonna transfer ownership of the house to be in my mom's name. But in that separation, my father was still not being faithful. And my mom just got a chance to have space from the relationship and decided that she would not remarry him, and so they just stayed divorced. I was five when they got divorced. So even though she had been making, we had made some trips to the U.S., and she had been making some trips and staying for some of those years, five was like the official takeoff period, and I went to kindergarten in New York City, in the Bronx. And I came back, I left the island on my birthday, and my mom, the memory that she told me is like, don't you remember you were on your father's lap as he drove us to Puerto Plata? Because that was the only airport we had at the time. And I was like, I had no idea. So then I'm imagining my father taking us home, taking us to the airport, and then us leaving, and I'm imagining that drive back and how difficult it must have been for him to know that he was sending us into the unknown, and he didn't know when he would see us again, because there was no, this was in 1991, there was no internet back then, literally. So I typically have more fun before my birthday and after, but the day of, I'm just like consistently pissed, consistently annoyed. And then today I was like, oh my gosh, I wonder if like that's it. Like what does my five-year-old self feel like to have flown out on my birthday when I had such a tight relationship with my father and my mom? I was with my mom, but like I left my father behind. So I kind of just wanna like process that and try to get a sense of it for my five-year-old self and beyond with other lenses that I shared too, because I really wanna enjoy my 40th birthday, and I don't wanna feel sad that I'm celebrating that year. Like my father is integrated now. I wanna feel joy and feel whatever I feel, but I want to cure this.